From a young man's heart

Love? What is that, I often find myself wondering? It was many years ago I would have said that I would be a knight in bright and shinning armor to rescue a damsel in distress. I would pick her up on my white horse and carry her into the sunset to my castle where I would marry and live happily ever after with her.

I used to believe that such is what love is – a complete and blissful happiness. But, unfortunately, I had to grow up and I then of course, stop believing. Love disappointed me. It was nothing like I had picture it. There was nothing really great about it, I slowly but surely started to despise the word LOVE.

What was the point in it? It seemed to be only a feeling in which people completely lost their minds and acted in strange ways. They feel so elated and suddenly everything is beautiful. That is great but after a while something goes wrong and the world becomes a lot cruel and a lot uglier at that. I always find myself wondering why people wanted to put themselves through the despondency of something not working out over and over again.

There are only a few relationships that last which do actually last. Love causes so much pain and most of us are afraid that the scar would remain in our hearts. We love but then we are being broken little by little into pieces wishing that there would someone to put it back again.

Relationships are being ruined not because two people are not meant for each other. Relationships are being ruined because we decided not to take a course of action of doing something for it to be saved. People are just too stubborn for work hard things out. When they get scared they run. Things are not a matter of fate. We often lose the people we love not because we are not meant for each other. We lose them because we let them be. We lose the people we love because we let them go. We lose the relationship that we treasure so much because we decided not to do something about it.

Fighting for someone makes us weak. But I guess just like anybody building, the pressure and the tension that experience had brought us makes us stronger. It’s tough to make decisions especially if it involves something worth living for. Does God have the answer? I think we already know because God never speaks. He just makes people who are reasonable enough and patient enough to realize that all the while people have it in. I guess that’s freewill? Free will are not freewill unitl people realized it.

This is now I feel about LOVE. I do not recognize the good comes out of it. I promised myself a year ago that I would not fall in love again. I was too scared to take the risk of getting hurt again. I know that’s life but I couldn’t bear the thought of my whole world revolving around one person who cannot even assure me of her love. I wanted to be in control of my life and not have someone on my mind the whole time.

Clearly you can see I am completely against love. If this how I feel, then why is it that when I think about you, I find myself my battling hard to breath? Why, when I hear your voice, my heart skips a beat? Why, when I think of what we’ve done together, I cannot stop myself from smiling? Why, when I’m not with you, I cannot seem to concentrate on anything and why can I then not stop crying? Why does anything that has to do with LOVE remind me of you? And why do I love the thought of spending the rest of my life with you? You are my princess and you have stolen my whole heart. How am I supposed to live without a heart? How am I supposed to live without you? You will not know and understand how I feel right now not, until I confess…

Does anyone really know exactly the meaning of the word “I Love You?” Is the word talk about the art of letting go or is it about holding on? Is it about fate or is it about decisions between the two persons involved in some kind of relationship?

In my entire life I’ve love 4 men: my dad, my two brothers and him. I’ve been true to them all. What I’ve come to realize so far is that, loving a person as much as yourself in which to the extent that sometimes loving that person more than who you are, will never guarantee us that the person will stay everlastingly.

Loving someone and having that someone to love us in return doesn’t mean that we now possess that person. They come as they please, they stay as they please, and they leave as they please. Sad thing about them leaving is we can never tell when. What keeps us excited is the thought of them coming back. What keeps us hopeful is the thought that “they would come back.” And what keeps us fearing is the thought of “what if they won’t come back?”

Do distances and differences matter in love? I don’t know or I just don’t want to know since it makes me realize how vague the people’s idea in this world is. There are too many standards we have to live by and that confuses us as to know “which is which?” As we can see, things just tend to get so complicated when we are getting older? Or is it just us who are complicating things?

No one really plans to whom we want to give our love to. Nobody wanted to love someone who doesn’t recognize us but still continued loving him despite the odds. Nobody wants to fall in love with someone who keeps pushing them away when all they wanted to do is to be close to them. And nobody wants to fall in love with someone who is already owned by someone else.

Nobody wishes to suffer and feel so much pain but then when it is accompanied by the feeling of love, it makes it worth all the sacrifices. Come to think of it, isn’t it a great feeling to love a person? Isn’t it fantastic that your heart knows and experienced a different kind of reaction? A pleasant sensation that dictates you body parts to function in some kind of a different manner. Your consciousness is furnished on a different angle that all your senses direct you to conclude that satisfaction, happiness, and tranquility really do come together. And this is really love and so much more.

Love is an inevitable feeling and I happened to be one of the living witnesses of this. It fascinated me especially on how love can control the whole of me. I was at my bleak moment when I’ve come to encounter love. I was nonetheless vulnerable to all of these but he came and showed me that I can actually be strong. He lifted me up from my fall and highlighted the best in me. He was my protector, guide, and above all, he CARED.

He made me feel so special. He was so perfect for me except that, he was too far away from me and he still loves his past and maybe there would come a day that he would let me go. Somebody already captured his heart and owned him from a distance. And just the thought of it makes me weak, knowing that for some circumstances that this love has to die. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong now. I’m confused. Oftentimes, I asked myself when would be the time that I can be totally happy because I’m so sick and so tired of having this burden inside me.

I did not write this to convince people or to affirm. I just want people to somehow see a piece of the whole puzzle. This small part of my heart where I hide my aches and pains will still remain intact with me together with the memories I constantly reminisce whenever I miss him, the way he talks to me over the phone, whenever my being longs the whole of him.

This is I guess a realization for me. I suppose there’s nothing more painful than letting go of the love you have prayed for all your life. The only love you’ve been waiting to arrive and now it’s going to be goodbye without having that love for a long time.

I might have given up on him but I can’t give up on this love I have in me, the love that inspires me to appreciate life’s beauty despite the smudges and threats of being hurt again. With that, I fully understand that among the reasons on why people are so sentimental due to the fact that the memories are the only things that don’t change. When everything else done, there are things in life that you can’t hold on forever no matter how you believe and fight for it. Sometimes destiny isn’t good, it becomes playful.

By that I could assume that saying “I Love You” means “I know what I’m doing, I know the consequences, and I acknowledge the world’s uncertainty and I give you the guarantee that what I’m really feeling is certain and it will never waver despite all the odds the world will lay across our path.”

You guys be the judge. Is it really by fate or is it by reason by which to a great degree of making decisions, thus exercising what makes a man a rational being that possesses all the greatness in the world.

Moreover, I still can proudly say in defiance of my struggles about love, I’m glad that love is indeed an evitable feeling because if its not I wouldn’t be able to understand why “imperfect situations” and “wrong timings” exist.